Dear Harriette: The first letter in a recent column was from a man (Ron in Brooklyn) involved in a two-year affair with a woman. He discovered he has herpes and was concerned about telling his paramour for fear she would dump him. Your response addressed the need to tell her, and you suggested he talk with his doctor about ways to be intimate without infecting others. Though the response addressed the question, it left out what I would consider the most important considerations.

First, this is an affair, which suggests that one or both parties are married. The tricky question of informing their spouses is of equal importance to informing each other. Second, indiscriminate sex is a primary cause of sexually transmitted diseases. Without making a moral judgment, this issue could be addressed. Third, the man may discover that his paramour is the source of his herpes infection if he decides to be honest. Since both are involved in a secret affair, she may be the one withholding the original secret!
- Tim, Long Island, N.Y.

Dear Tim: Thank you for continuing this discussion. I rarely have enough space to say ‘’it all.'’ Your perspective is sobering. Who knows from where the STD came? Rather than hiding, this person, and anyone like him, should speak up. It’s the honorable thing to do. And you may learn more about your sexual partners than you ever imagined.

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Note:  Unless you’ve had proper STD testing, you can never really be sure where the STD originated so you can’t really place the blame on anyone.

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